my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
