i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
