i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
