Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
