no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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