drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
