The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
