pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
