My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
