Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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