Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
