My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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