the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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