alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
