if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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