As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You pole danced in your parka.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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