God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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