My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
