Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
