Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
