What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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