the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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