I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
