So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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