If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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