I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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