Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
