Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
