I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
