I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
