I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
