my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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