I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
