don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
