how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize