i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
