im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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