just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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