Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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