apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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