I wish I only lived at night.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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