Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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