i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
