Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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