im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
