this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
