I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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