yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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