i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
