her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
