The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize