I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
