Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
